Thursday, October 15, 2009

Notes from the forest

I'm not sure how to begin this post. There is much that I would like to say about my life and recent experiences. Currently I am sitting in a coffee shop in Santa Cruz because we have no power at camp. This is the third day without power and it isn't really looking like it will be restored anytime soon. The power outage was caused by a giant redwood tree that fell across the road. Not only did it knock out the power, but it also blocked the road. The road i live on is currently closed. Lucky for me, the tree fell across two very high embankments creating a sort of tunnel with plenty of room for my car to fit beneath. While technically the road is closed and technically I am not supposed to drive under the tree, I have chosen to disregard this and do it anyway. Something that I have learned about myself recently is I don't like being trapped. Okay, so no one likes being trapped, but most people could spend a few days in the woods with the roads closed and not feel like they were going to suffacate. I was completely freaking out from this feeling of not being able to leave if I wanted. I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't some deeper psychological issue since I'm pretty sure it could be applied to pretty much all of my dating relationships as well. Anyway back to the downed tree and no power. Being at camp isn't the perfect little community that I envisioned when I moved out here. Don't get my wrong, the people are amazing! I love everyone of the people who lives out here, but I'm in a bit of an awkward position because it is all couples. Recently my roommate has started dating another staff member, bringing the total number of unattached individuals over the age of 11 to 1 (that would be me in case you missed that.) Now, I've gotten pretty good at the whole single thing (remember the whole not liking to be trapped thing), but seriously power outage, candlelite rooms, and a bunch of couples = GAG! When I told my mother about how much I was hating this poweroutage, she reminded me that I dealt with the same thing when I was in Africa. But in Africa I was in a social setting living with lots of people my age who weren't dating each other. Playing board games by candlelight didn't feel like being a chaperone on someone else's date and it was Africa and Africa is just different. (Also mother, I would like to remind you that I did have a freak out in Africa the first time and I did hate it and I did want to come home. So there!) Anyway, that is what is happening these days. I've been questioning a lot lately whether this is where I am really supposed to be. It seemed like such a perfect thing, but it has been so much harder than I thought. Living in such an isolated setting isn't as fun as I thought and I've had a harder time connecting here than I expected. I'm doing lots of things, but i feel like I'm just doing things, but not really getting past the surface. I know this takes time, and waiting is something I'm not so good at. I think my lifestyle for the last few years is catching up with me.

2 comments:

P-Daddy said...

keep up the good work.

I'm guessing you'll need to fulfill the roll of dating therapy instructor within the next week or so once the electricity comes back on and everyone realizes their candlelight romance wasn't as beautiful as they once thought.

Kaitlin said...

At least you're single in a beautiful forest.

:)

Seriously, though. You are amazing. I miss you.